I just feel a need to do this. It's odd, really, but I'm indulgent by nature. Indulgence feeds creativity and creativity feeds my soul. I need to just get past this, and I can't/won't talk to the person in question.

S: I hope you know that I'm not going to make the first move to get the friendship back on track.

N: I figured as much. I just want to say...I'm sorry if I hurt you.

S: I appreciate that. But you keep doing it. I'm done with that part of knowing you.

N: I didn't meant to confuse things. I feel like I can't do the right thing around you.

S: Aha! I'll add that to the top 20 list of things we have in common. (pause) Sorry. My sarcasm is a defense mechanism.

N: You are really important to me, I hope you know that.

S: Nope.

N: I know you feel that way. You think I hate you.

S: No, that's a feeling that registers on a scale. I don't think you value me at all.

N: That's so far from the truth! Do you remember when I told you that you're my only friend down here?

S: I do remember you saying that, yes. I also remember you saying - later on that night - that maybe you had feelings for me. You sounded so optimistic and excited about us being friends again.

N: I know. I probably shouldn't have said any of that.

S: Hey, that honesty thing goes both ways. You have to say the good stuff with the bad stuff. Truth to tell, I wasn't really interested in you until you mentioned that stuff, and then...well, my curiosity got going. Regardless, I didn't have any romantic feelings about you in that way. I felt really great about our friendship and didn't want to push for anything romantic, but you went and interpreted my intentions in that direction. Again.

N: I was just uncomfortable with the whole thing. I thought that by being honest with you, we could just keep everything out the open and between us so that there wouldn't be any misunderstandings. I'm not good with expressing stuff like that, not like you are.

S: Hey, don't interpret the whole honesty thing as something that protects you from consequences. There are consequences to everything we do. I knew that every time I said something to you, I could potentially push you away from me. I would rather be alone and understood than hanging around you, quietly suffering with my own truth. That's no way to live.

N: But why couldn't you just talk to me about it? After I said all that stuff in that email, why couldn't you just come to me and talk about it, rather than disappearing on me and shutting down the friendship?

S: Did you read that last email? It was cold and factual, a documentation of a harsh interpretation of my actions, exactly the kind of thing you would blind CC HR or a manager.

N: But I didn't! I wouldn't do that to you! Have you forgotten the whole friend thing? Do you know how much it hurts to know that you think I'd do that?

S: How in the world am I supposed to predict your actions? How am I supposed to react to you when you keep on pulling me close, then hurting me and dumping me again? I never once reached for your hand, or tried to really kiss you (like you said you almost did with me). I only ever considered you a friend, and I thought you were special, but...you fought for this separation. I just don't want to be miserable and restricted around you, and I definitely don't want to be miserable without you. You don't understand - you can't possibly fathom - what it takes for me to truly be in love. That has only happened once in my life. You know all about that.

N: I was just telling you about something that was making me uncomfortable.

S: And instead of understanding me, you wanted to redefine me.

N: I didn't. Those were not my intentions. (pause) I'm sorry I ever said anything. I really hate having to deal with this stuff.

S: Well, you're better off this way, anyway. There are no rumors about us, you're getting closer with the people you work with -

N: But they're just people I work with.

S: And that makes me fair game to throw around?

N: I told you I didn't mean to!

S: And here I am seeking closure like this, because in real life you will never approach me and try to fix things between us.

N: All you have to do is talk to me.

S: You know I'm not going to do that.

N: Well, that's too bad, then. I don't have any bad feelings about you and I wish I could come over and talk to you, but now you're the one keeping away from me. You're not even very open to me saying "Hi" to you in the hallways. Do you think this is easy for me?

S: What do you think my answer to that is?

N: I do still think about you, you know. And I do still know when you're around. I can't avoid that. I care very much about you and I wish I never hurt you, but I guess I'll just have to live with that.

S: Or not. There's an attractive option for you. Maybe you'll just throw yourself into the work here, have friends on your level, find a good honest guy here who won't get attached to the friendship, and completely forget anything ever happened with me. How about that?

N: I'm sorry I hurt you.

And...there's the thing just left of reality. Did it help? Right now, I don't know.