Here I am again....

S: Hi.

N: You again? Why can't you just say "Hi" to me in person? I just walked by you twice.

S: I can't.

N: That's just silly.

S: Why can't you say "Hi" to me?

N: I'd like to...but I won't because I think you don't want me to.

S: Ooh. I think you're right. I don't know what I'd do with a "Hi". I mean, it's definitely not...well, I just don't know. I just...miss talking to you.

N: Me too. A lot. And it kills me that I can't just come over and talk to you.

S: It kills me to believe that even if I could, I could potentially be rejected for it.

N: So this is what you're going to do? You're going to talk to me in this make-believe world...this fantasy blog where it's all safe and you don't have to worry about being hurt by me? Why can't you just write to me, at least? You're writing to me now, I'll just never get it.

S: Can you misinterpret anything I'm saying or doing now?

N: Of course not.

S: That's why. I don't have to worry about falling into this friendship...or whatever it's supposed to be...and I can deal with the fact that I miss you. Seeing you around the office is hard enough. If, in some small way, I feel like I can talk to you here, then it's worth it. (pause) I honestly, in my bones, believe that you're past all this. You don't think about it and never feel the urge to stop and talk to me.

N: That's wrong. I do think about it. Sometimes it might not seem that way because I've got a lot on my mind.

S: So don't worry about the fact that I can't...or won't...talk to you. I'm doing my best on this end to stay happy.

N: I know. I guess I understand all that and wish things weren't so complicated. I know you're not completely to blame, either, even though I've made it sound like that in the past. I miss you sometimes.

S: Me too.

N: And here's something I don't get. You don't feel good about things when we're around each other - when we cross paths in the hallway or have to share an elevator if you can't avoid it - and yet instead of fixing this by just picking up the friendship you want to perpetuate the discomfort and pain by leaving everything between us unresolved?

S: Look, the way I feel, when we're apart I know exactly how to feel about things. I'm not around you and your life isn't suffering for it - you have some good friends here and you're immersed in what feels safe for you. You're not around me and that's a definite. I would love to be able to talk to you. That's a definite. I think...I would rather...okay, I'm not even sure about this as I say it...I would rather have these definites with the wanting than having the time around you and being not sure at all where I stand...or being around you and knowing I have to pull back and not be myself...or being around you and knowing that part of me is constantly rejected. Do you know what I mean?

N: It's so stupid how complicated this is.

S: And yet, so simple. If this were the real world, I'd be talking to you and feelings would get in the way. As it is, I'm just dealing with my own feelings and you're enjoying the privacy of your own life without my complications.

N: You assume a lot about me.

S: Bercause...that's all I have to go on.

And there it lays, a separate reality compensating, breathing in its own air, and never edging towards bridging a gap between us.