How long has it been since my last entry? What? Has it been that long? Certain habits surfaced and disrupted the pattern of self-awareness, but thank God...life always has a way of holding up a mirror when you least expect it. This time, it was one insensitive comment from a new friend.
You might know how private I am. I don't hang out with a lot of people, make lifelong friends at work any more (not since Kristin left), and when I go out, I usually love to do it alone. I also hardly ever - okay, ignore the picture to the left - allow myself to be photographed or filmed. So much for a career in acting. At the request of a friend, I forwarded a picture of myself while in Vegas a week ago. That's what she wanted. Just yesterday, in a public chat room, she said I was chubby.
Chubby. Chubby? Is that how everyone sees me? Is she the only one honest enough to say something like that? In response to my shock, she said that I shouldn't flatter myself. What? Or, as we like to say in chat, wtf? I was speechless. Maybe she was kidding...or maybe...ohhh shit.
And then guilt set in.
It's been a year since I had a membership to the gym. A few months ago, I was determined to start building one here at home, so I started looking into equipment. Then my boss chimed in and offered to give me her treadmill. I gave away a sofa chair, went through a massive spring cleaning project at my house, and made space. I bought dumbbells. I knew I was on the road back to health, especially once I had that treadmill. I changed my diet. I took elevators less. The treadmill never came. There's an empty spot in the second bedroom.
So my stagnation was fed by waiting for others to have a hand in my transformation, and in a difficult week punctuated by ignorance of people at work and coming off a sickness, this came from nowhere. The denoument was that stupid word - chubby.
In an instant, I popped over to my gym's website and renewed my membership. I called over there to see if I could come over right away. I spent two hours there bouncing from the comments, replaying their cruelty so I could build in the opposite direction. I came home after the gym, showered, then treated myself to a movie. Today, I was back at the gym, and then, while doing two of my largest loads of laundry, I went on a little photo safari.
The great thing is that I'm losing the ability to dwell, to crawl around in the mud of self-loathing. I'm recognizing the unhealthy nature of indulging in harsh criticism, and moving in the opposite direction. Does it bother me that this friend hurt my feelings? Sure. I sent her an email about it. But as I sit here, on a Sunday night before work and my meeting with Maria (a local new friend, whom I'm working on a project with), I feel pretty good about myself. I see potential. I think about my control over my own happiness.
It was a good day.
You know something else? I don't feel the need to celebrate Independence Day in a huge way any more. I always needed to celebrate it with huge fireworks because that was my anniversary with the one true love of my life, but the real truth is, it's been years since I've heard from her, it's been about that long since I last looked at a picture of her, and my heart, I think, has finally been healed by good people who have come and gone in my life. I don't need to distract myself on that holiday any more. I've got a clean slate. The mistakes of my distant and recent past are still with me, but I don't carry them. I hold no grudges and no ill feelings towards anyone.
Of course, it's still Sunday. Monday could be a completely different story.
