Sometimes I need to remind myself of the quote "We cannot become what we want to be by remaining what we are." Yes, it's one of those things that people say while disconnecting themselves from the spirit of the idea, but damn, it's so absolutely true. I want to spend every day of my life practicing the act of becoming, and I have to remind myself because I get distracted with so many things from day to day. I lose sight of the big picture...which...and I realize this is very stream of thought...I have to consider myself lucky that I've got a sense of a bigger picture than this, you know? The big picture constantly comes into focus and continues to evolve.
Not that I actually have a lot of distractions, compared to what other people might have to deal with. Over this summer, which is about to end, I've spent five days a week working no less than 10 hours a day with two crackberries strapped to my body and 15 pounds falling off of me. It's as if I'm in a submarine that has been floating under the polar ice cap for months, and just now I'm beginning to see the sun shining through the surface. We have one week left of summer that has had so many moments beyond anything I could have imagined a year ago. One year ago I was isolated at a desk, working on my own, worried about my future in a strangely symbolic cul de sac on the 6th floor of an industry I had no interest in. One year ago, I was laying face down in a rut, fed up with patterns of my past and yet at the same time completely stunned by vertigo when faced with a distant, staticy wall of options. They were all out there, beyond reach or definition, but since I had a paycheck coming in every week, no matter how miserable I was I could still sit back, do nothing, and earn money.
In one month, I will be a year past my own personal independence day. I will have survived the thrust into the unknown, the pinpoint landing onto the top of a hill, and I will have faced the trials of a difficult summer. I've been away from family and friends, out of touch and entirely focused on sleeping and working. I can make this all worth it if I start making upward moves within the company. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy I sometimes ignore or encourage the opposite of, and really, the act of believing in the outcome is more powerful than hope. It's the innocent knowledge that the way to get to where you want to go is never a straight line, but as long as you keep your eyes on the next finish line, you'll get there. Here's the secret behind the secret: It doesn't occur to most people you'll meet to turn their gaze above the crowd and see that point in the distance. Because of that, they'll try to discourage you from being different. They'll laugh at or argue with your lack of compliance to their standards. They'll resent you once you're pulling away. After a while, their voices will fade off into the distance, and you'll find yourself in unexpected places, like deep beneath the polar ice cap or a very loud and brighty lit hilltop overlooking the San Fernando Valley.
I'm on a small team now, working in Entertainment and doing everything I can to keep my eyes up towards that big picture. When will I settle down? Will I ever have a family of my own? When will I start arriving at a creative plateau where I can look back at everything I've done? I haven't even begun to answer those questions. I still have so much to look forward to.
