Unable to write until now, unable to speak or lift this heaviness from my eyes, I reached another sad, blue place filled with a cold breeze of inescapable loneliness that follows me as I try to walk away from it. I wouldn't dare mention a name, once again. I wouldn't dare describe the flash point of hurt for fear of going through it again. I just want to accept my station, carry my burden, and literally think about every step I use to walk until I'm not thinking about it any more. I want to remind myself to breathe. I want to remind myself to love again. I want to remind myself to wake up in the morning and forget the things of the past.

In the microcosm of exchange between two people, neither is fully defined. It's so easy to forget that because of how lost you get in someone, but this frustrating time spent in surrender is wasted. It's spent in regret over caring too much. It's spend in fear of being discarded, left alone without a match. It's just wasted, and normally I can deal with it because I'm such a busy person.

This weekend, however, it reached out and pulled me to a stop, and at that exact place where I could have fallen to worthless self-destruction I only slowed down; I took deliberate steps and wore this fog around me, breathing a little less, believing a little less, pushing forward...mindlessly. I'm just waiting for the fog to lift. I'm just looking to discover happiness again.

I'm waiting for sun to rise...but until then, it's a quiet, lonely night all day.

Here I am again....

S: Hi.

N: You again? Why can't you just say "Hi" to me in person? I just walked by you twice.

S: I can't.

N: That's just silly.

S: Why can't you say "Hi" to me?

N: I'd like to...but I won't because I think you don't want me to.

S: Ooh. I think you're right. I don't know what I'd do with a "Hi". I mean, it's definitely not...well, I just don't know. I just...miss talking to you.

N: Me too. A lot. And it kills me that I can't just come over and talk to you.

S: It kills me to believe that even if I could, I could potentially be rejected for it.

N: So this is what you're going to do? You're going to talk to me in this make-believe world...this fantasy blog where it's all safe and you don't have to worry about being hurt by me? Why can't you just write to me, at least? You're writing to me now, I'll just never get it.

S: Can you misinterpret anything I'm saying or doing now?

N: Of course not.

S: That's why. I don't have to worry about falling into this friendship...or whatever it's supposed to be...and I can deal with the fact that I miss you. Seeing you around the office is hard enough. If, in some small way, I feel like I can talk to you here, then it's worth it. (pause) I honestly, in my bones, believe that you're past all this. You don't think about it and never feel the urge to stop and talk to me.

N: That's wrong. I do think about it. Sometimes it might not seem that way because I've got a lot on my mind.

S: So don't worry about the fact that I can't...or won't...talk to you. I'm doing my best on this end to stay happy.

N: I know. I guess I understand all that and wish things weren't so complicated. I know you're not completely to blame, either, even though I've made it sound like that in the past. I miss you sometimes.

S: Me too.

N: And here's something I don't get. You don't feel good about things when we're around each other - when we cross paths in the hallway or have to share an elevator if you can't avoid it - and yet instead of fixing this by just picking up the friendship you want to perpetuate the discomfort and pain by leaving everything between us unresolved?

S: Look, the way I feel, when we're apart I know exactly how to feel about things. I'm not around you and your life isn't suffering for it - you have some good friends here and you're immersed in what feels safe for you. You're not around me and that's a definite. I would love to be able to talk to you. That's a definite. I think...I would rather...okay, I'm not even sure about this as I say it...I would rather have these definites with the wanting than having the time around you and being not sure at all where I stand...or being around you and knowing I have to pull back and not be myself...or being around you and knowing that part of me is constantly rejected. Do you know what I mean?

N: It's so stupid how complicated this is.

S: And yet, so simple. If this were the real world, I'd be talking to you and feelings would get in the way. As it is, I'm just dealing with my own feelings and you're enjoying the privacy of your own life without my complications.

N: You assume a lot about me.

S: Bercause...that's all I have to go on.

And there it lays, a separate reality compensating, breathing in its own air, and never edging towards bridging a gap between us.

I just feel a need to do this. It's odd, really, but I'm indulgent by nature. Indulgence feeds creativity and creativity feeds my soul. I need to just get past this, and I can't/won't talk to the person in question.

S: I hope you know that I'm not going to make the first move to get the friendship back on track.

N: I figured as much. I just want to say...I'm sorry if I hurt you.

S: I appreciate that. But you keep doing it. I'm done with that part of knowing you.

N: I didn't meant to confuse things. I feel like I can't do the right thing around you.

S: Aha! I'll add that to the top 20 list of things we have in common. (pause) Sorry. My sarcasm is a defense mechanism.

N: You are really important to me, I hope you know that.

S: Nope.

N: I know you feel that way. You think I hate you.

S: No, that's a feeling that registers on a scale. I don't think you value me at all.

N: That's so far from the truth! Do you remember when I told you that you're my only friend down here?

S: I do remember you saying that, yes. I also remember you saying - later on that night - that maybe you had feelings for me. You sounded so optimistic and excited about us being friends again.

N: I know. I probably shouldn't have said any of that.

S: Hey, that honesty thing goes both ways. You have to say the good stuff with the bad stuff. Truth to tell, I wasn't really interested in you until you mentioned that stuff, and then...well, my curiosity got going. Regardless, I didn't have any romantic feelings about you in that way. I felt really great about our friendship and didn't want to push for anything romantic, but you went and interpreted my intentions in that direction. Again.

N: I was just uncomfortable with the whole thing. I thought that by being honest with you, we could just keep everything out the open and between us so that there wouldn't be any misunderstandings. I'm not good with expressing stuff like that, not like you are.

S: Hey, don't interpret the whole honesty thing as something that protects you from consequences. There are consequences to everything we do. I knew that every time I said something to you, I could potentially push you away from me. I would rather be alone and understood than hanging around you, quietly suffering with my own truth. That's no way to live.

N: But why couldn't you just talk to me about it? After I said all that stuff in that email, why couldn't you just come to me and talk about it, rather than disappearing on me and shutting down the friendship?

S: Did you read that last email? It was cold and factual, a documentation of a harsh interpretation of my actions, exactly the kind of thing you would blind CC HR or a manager.

N: But I didn't! I wouldn't do that to you! Have you forgotten the whole friend thing? Do you know how much it hurts to know that you think I'd do that?

S: How in the world am I supposed to predict your actions? How am I supposed to react to you when you keep on pulling me close, then hurting me and dumping me again? I never once reached for your hand, or tried to really kiss you (like you said you almost did with me). I only ever considered you a friend, and I thought you were special, but...you fought for this separation. I just don't want to be miserable and restricted around you, and I definitely don't want to be miserable without you. You don't understand - you can't possibly fathom - what it takes for me to truly be in love. That has only happened once in my life. You know all about that.

N: I was just telling you about something that was making me uncomfortable.

S: And instead of understanding me, you wanted to redefine me.

N: I didn't. Those were not my intentions. (pause) I'm sorry I ever said anything. I really hate having to deal with this stuff.

S: Well, you're better off this way, anyway. There are no rumors about us, you're getting closer with the people you work with -

N: But they're just people I work with.

S: And that makes me fair game to throw around?

N: I told you I didn't mean to!

S: And here I am seeking closure like this, because in real life you will never approach me and try to fix things between us.

N: All you have to do is talk to me.

S: You know I'm not going to do that.

N: Well, that's too bad, then. I don't have any bad feelings about you and I wish I could come over and talk to you, but now you're the one keeping away from me. You're not even very open to me saying "Hi" to you in the hallways. Do you think this is easy for me?

S: What do you think my answer to that is?

N: I do still think about you, you know. And I do still know when you're around. I can't avoid that. I care very much about you and I wish I never hurt you, but I guess I'll just have to live with that.

S: Or not. There's an attractive option for you. Maybe you'll just throw yourself into the work here, have friends on your level, find a good honest guy here who won't get attached to the friendship, and completely forget anything ever happened with me. How about that?

N: I'm sorry I hurt you.

And...there's the thing just left of reality. Did it help? Right now, I don't know.

2004 starts in a desert that exists somewhere between an incredibly complex maze of city and career life on my right and a green oasis where people lay on the grass doing nothing, just listening to the water trickle through the creek and the leaves rustle overhead.

Sand. I sit at a desk typing this, and I feel sand underneath me.

The city to my right is overwhelming to look at. I staggered out of that city late in 2003 sick, exhausted, and a little bewildered from a combination of personal setbacks and professional triumphs. I'm a little scared to go inside again, but nevertheless, where I'm sitting I'm much closer to the city than I am to the oasis. I have to go inside. I have faith that the professional stuff is going to fix the personal stuff.

When I work on the career and all of that related stuff, I know in my bones that what I earn I'll keep. I work hard, I reap the benefits, I gain trust, I get more work, and even when I don't, I hustle to find work. In that world - that maze - I'm in demand. In the personal world, I've worked hard, I've reaped no benefits, I seek to understand, I'm discarded, I start going deeper, the hull caves in and I rise back to the surface. As I told Viv the other night, I have to do this all alone. That's what I'm meant to do. I have nobody and haven't had anyone for years, so this must be my mission in this life until it changes. As much as I want love, career and hard work is what I'm meant to do. If not me, then who's going to do it?

Wait - I just noticed something about that oasis and what it represents. Those people aren't lying in the grass. They're dead. That's why the grass is there - there is always some creature who has given up on the struggle of the city and went there to give up, to die. That's what I'm lacking right now...that's what this sand represents. This dull hurt from the girl here at work, from being alone, from still being a little sick...it needs to be replaced by the fear of becoming fertilizer for the next person to be lured into giving up. I don't want to die. If I stop, that's exactly what I'd do.

*sigh* It looks like I'm going to pick up exactly where I left off. So what's going to be different about this year, my intentions again? I think I should just shut up and get to work. That's the only thing that brings about change in my life. :)