“It is strange to be known so universally and yet to be so lonely.”
~ Albert Einstein
I live this current life in between worlds, crossing the corridors from heart to heart in as much of a straight path as I can find, still seeking purpose and a place to be. I'm still an outsider, a passing ship, a lighthouse, carrying the spotlight of potential that others give me. And I wonder, what have I done so far? What have I brought to the table? How much fight do I still have in me? And who do I look to when I begin to doubt, when I'm running out of energy...when I am done?
This is why it's been so difficult to write for such a long time. Things have happened so quickly it's been nearly impossible to slow down enough to let anything sink in. Life has been a steadily rising orchestra, a swelling of every instrument that absolutely no one else can hear, a maddening sound compounded by a handful of people who flood in negativity and advice to fix my imperfections. Somehow tonight I had a moment where I needed a familiar voice, in a safe place nobody could touch. Maybe my soul needs a little decluttering.
"Cause I'm clearing up this wreckage Lord, and there's more than You've ever seen before. So if you have something to say, say it to me now."
~ Glen Hansard
She sits next to me. Coldplay plays softly in the background.
C: Well, hello stranger.
S: You're still here.
C: I never went anywhere.
I don't say anything for a moment. The two of us look around, then she follows my gaze up at the stars.
C: What do you miss most?
S: Having everyone together. Dinner at the family table. My mother's hands. My dad's laugh.
C: It sucks growing up at any age.
S: We lost all of that so quickly. And there went my armor. I couldn't even make them proud of my accomplishments any more.
C: Does that mean...do you think it's meaningless now? Do you feel like what you do doesn't matter?
S: I don't know. I do have people in my life who think I should do less of it, or are indifferent. I have critics and people who think they can do what I do.
C: Well, the closer the critics are to you, the more quickly you should get rid of them. Unless you're otherwise committed to them, you don't need that shit in your life. And duh, of course you're going to have critics or armchair quarterbacks. You make it look easier than it actually is. They don't know what you do, otherwise they wouldn't be saying that.
S: I guess.
C: But I get it. You're exhausted. And that negativity is sticky, so sometimes you feel it long after those people have shut the door. Am I right?
S: Yeah, what am I, dumb and fickle? Does anybody let that stuff go easily?
C: Nobody I know. That's why I say you're exhausted.
S: And I feel disconnected.
C: Because your heart has no home.
S: Because I've carried myself for so long, and I don't know what the measure is of my life the past few years.
C: I wish you could see yourself the way others see you. You sound defeated but you're not. I think - you want to know what I think?
S: Is this the bottom line? The diagnosis?
C: You've tried to convince yourself, maybe to fit in, maybe to not allow yourself to feel things, that you're normal and an ordinary person. It seems like you want things to be simpler so much that you're willing to forget the past.
S: The past wasn't easy. And maybe...well, maybe I do want to fit in.
C: You do. What you don't do is blend in. That is just who you are and you should know there is no way to fix that.
S: It looks so easy for other people. I'm at an age where I feel so different from everyone.
C: You know, there are 20 year olds, 30 year olds...people staring at 40 who feel exactly the same way. And even for those people you say have it easy...well, you're kind of assuming the same way people who want your job think it's easy. But this, by the way, this conversation, this entry...this is just a catharsis. Get all of this out of your head and heart so you can fill it again.
S: I feel whiny.
C: No, you're learning how to talk again. This was necessary.
Well, I still don't know how necessary this is, but if this opens the door again and I can navigate the depths to find my heart and my voice, it's worth the trip. It's worth revisiting, allowing myself to get lost, to drown a little, to go where the current takes me.
“For whatever we lose (like a you or a me), It’s always our self we find in the sea.”
~ e.e. Cummings
