"About a week and a half ago, we were in New York, and I was on the 9th floor, and was coming down the elevator of this hotel, and this woman steps into the elevator over on the 5th floor, or whatever, we were both going down...and she was this beautiful older woman, like, she was 75 or 80, and she was just so beautiful, and she stepped in...she was real...you know those people who have lived a great life and had this amazing face, like a life well-lived...and she stepped into the elevator. I said 'I like your jacket.' She said, 'You like my jacket?' I said, 'Yeah, your jacket's great. Beautiful coat.' She said 'Thanks...that's great that you noticed that coat.' And I said 'It's beautiful.' It was like, very long, so woolen, it was too big for her, it made her look real small. It was sweet. It was like one of those classic duffel coats now, with the two buttons, like Paddington Bear. She said 'it's great that you like my jacket, you know, this jacket is really important to me.' I was like 'It's great. It looks good on you.' And she said, 'You know, I bought this jacket, and when I bought this jacket, I decided I was gonna live my life. It's amazing, this jacket, isn't it?' I said 'It's beautiful.' We got down and I helped her with her suitcase and I brought her out to the taxi, and we were getting in the taxi, and she asks ' Well, what do you do, young man?' I said, 'Well, I'm in singer in a band.' 'What is it you play?' 'Oh, I don't know, kind of folky, I suppose.' She goes 'What are you called?' I told her our name, she never heard of us...I told her about the film, she never heard of it. And so I gave her my email, and she says, 'I'd like to come hear you play music...you know, I don't know if you noticed this coat on me, because, I'll tell you something...' She kind of welled up a bit, she got emotional. She says, 'I stayed in my house for two years in my pajamas and I ate nothing but cereal. I didn't go outside my house and I saw this jacket, and I said fuck it - I'm going to live my life.' And she was getting into the taxi and said 'I don't know why I'm telling you this.' She began...she welled up a bit. She says 'My son was in the fucking building.' And I was like 'Oh Jesus.' 'And he quit! He quit on the day before. He quit on the 10th of September, and he was going back in to get his stuff. I never spoke to him, I never managed to tell him I didn't want him to go in. I overslept, and I didn't speak with him. And I bought this coat. And you noticed it. Thank you for that.' I don't really know why I'm telling you that other than to say that it was lovely meeting this woman and it made me realize that sometimes we don't...the journey between your mind and your tongue can be so short and yet such a long distance when it comes to actually saying something that we're afraid to say to our others. So this song is about, I guess, just getting it off your chest, just...fuck...and actually, I can tell you, I don't know how the other person is going to react, but I'll tell you it's always a lot less than you think, and it's always...the weight off your shoulders is just insane. So I want to dedicate this to Lois in New York, and I hope she comes to that gig...she probably won't. It's called (If you have something to say) Say it To me Now." (Story by Glen Hansard, prefacing a song while tuning his guitar)
It's been a quiet weekend. Things tend to get out of the way now that work doesn't blanket fog over everything. An old friend pops up next to me, filling in the void left by others.
C: It is your 19,647th day on Earth. If you accomplish nothing else today, and it's okay if you don't, just think about the fact that you're a year away from 20k. I know you don't celebrate birthdays, but maybe that's something you should consider.
S: I had no idea you were keeping count.
C: Funny thing about that number; The only one that counts is today.
S: Makes me feel like I'm wasting the opportunity with this funk I've been in. I've tried to climb out of it, but...here, let me roll out the excuses. It's been hot. I haven't been feeling well, but it's probably due to the heat. I've felt disconnected from people. I need to lose weight. People are still bugging me regarding the job I had, and they're too lazy to actually look at my last posts about that job ending.
C: You know you can partially blame the fact that work isn't a good distraction for you, right? This pandemic has made everything harder, and the only people it's really benefiting are taking joy rides into space.
S: Yeah, I can rationalize all of this stuff and I've mostly been okay, but Friday was a combo that really threw me. I think I just need to get out of the house a little bit. I'm going to go out tomorrow.
C: I think that's a good idea. Remember how many things you were curious about? Things you wanted to learn about? What's your latest count of museums you've been to?
S: At least 13? I'm going to hope for the best and try to be present. I have to dig a little and see if there's anywhere else I need to go before things change.
C: Seems like you're ready to go back to work.
S: I think so.
C: AND it seems like you've finally let go of going back to your old job. You know, by choice as well as the fact that they don't respond to your messages.
S: Yeah, with time and a little perspective, I think I've come around to see that going back would be pretty terrible for my growth. Seems like the big studios are being opportunistic and making some big changes.
C: That's great, but...this isn't their story. It's yours. Let that chapter end, for you and for them.
S: Feels like a lot of things are ending now.
C: The curse of living a long, eventful life. (pause) I guess...if you meet enough people and do enough things, you'll find your share of goodbyes and heartbreak will be pretty significant.
S: I'll take it. (pause) The alternative is scary, you know? There are people out there who have been at the same job for 30 years, started a family early, so committed to that early, and nothing ever happens to them. Safe, safe, safe. Boring, I think.
C: Do you actually think there's a route that doesn't involve as much sacrifice? Somewhere things balance out, either sooner or later.
S: Listen, I don't have any regrets. On a daily basis I look at the things around me and wonder what other things I've sacrificed to have them. I just look at the wall of fame where I have a bunch of my big accomplishments on it, and I know that's all me. I don't question myself or worry about my longevity in a committed relationship, because...well, I'm sure you know that history isn't kind in that respect. I haven't been in a relationship yet that didn't show me the exit door the whole time.
C: Sounds like a classic coming of age supervillain story. Except it's more...like a coming of middle age story. Is this what they call a middle age crisis?
S: Oh no, is that what this is? I didn't think that was a thing any more.
C: I don't think so. It's just pandemic blues. You would otherwise have work to focus on and would be okay.
S: Middle age crisis.
C: Hey - for what it's worth, the middle ages handed off to the Renaissance. You more than likely have some great years ahead of you.
S: More than likely? You think I'll be able to create an iconic piece of art that will make me immortal?
C: (checking Google) Leonardo Da Vinci began four years of work on the Mona Lisa when he was 51. Michelangelo was 72 when he was given the job of buidling/designing St. Peter's Basilica. Do I need to go on? Colonel Sanders? Reagan and Schwartzenegger switching from acting to politics? Bram Stoker and Laura Ingalls Wilder-
S: Okay, enough of google. I get it. Can I just have a moment to sulk in this funk?
C: Sure, sure, but maybe you should consider mentioning that to your doctor. Maybe it'll help.
S: Or maybe it'll just pass.
C: Maybe. It could also last a long time, too, so do something, either way.
S: I will.
The void is familiar, almost friendly if not indifferent. It feels like the ocean washing over the beach, like the distant view of the city from thousands of feet above, like every instagram photo of someone showing you how insanely they're living their best life. This is what it feels to sit at the edge of the observable universe and wonder what else is out there.
It is, obviously, whatever I make of it from here on. I just have to remember to keep recycling my thoughts and intentions, or else just go to sleep and hope that dreams are satisfying enough.
Fuck it - I'm going to live my life.
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