Isn't it funny, as I play the role of the gardener of my life, that I haven't visited the potential for this year yet? Hey, look - January is almost over (and that rent check, I must remember to get that ready), but I haven't done anything significant yet. I feel myself getting closer to something, the climate changing, maybe even a huge hazy something on the horizon starting to take shape. I can't quite...identify...
Wait - is it old age? Maybe it's too early for that.
Is it just the fact that I'm up late writing? I'm usually up at this time. Not that it's good, mind you, but I'm...sitting here evaluating where I'm standing.
Yes, I know where this is coming from. It just occurred to me that when I returned from Miami, I saw my home a little differently. At the height of craziness last year, I was balancing two plays simultaneously and stretched myself to transparency. I might have done too much, but at the same time I can guarantee you that I'm the only one with perspective on how crazy that was to attempt. In the end, the ribbon and bow on the whole gift of exhaustion to my holiday season was the fact that my play was able to raise over $600 for the Komen Foundation. That streak of charity work still lingers and my work isn't done, but aside from benefits to all, I stand here thinking two things: 1) I am capable of much more than this, and 2) I still haven't detached myself from the past.
I have a unique - that's a safe word, unique - awareness of the fact that I am always meeting new people but I haven't said goodbye to some of the most important people in my life. Some of those may return, and it's only indifference that keeps their corner of my life silent. There are others who didn't say goodbye. Maybe I didn't give them a chance to...because...it wouldn't have measured up to my expectations or value in it. I didn't say goodbye. Because of that, and because of indifference on the part of the others, I still think about them and it consumes me sometimes. Is that healthy? Nope. Sometime soon, for my heart, I may pick a quiet moment to say goodbye to each of them.
The funniest thing about all this, of course, is the fact that I vowed to quit this blog. I quit. Really. I'm done. Maybe not. For tonight, okay. Fine. With all of that off my chest and out of my head, I can now take some Tylenol PM, throw myself in bed, and not think about this for once.
Isn't it interesting how I devour and fully appreciate these experiences I have with people until I'm full, and that in turn makes me independent and selective to a fault? I've got stuff to do, people, things to create and invent and new ideas to discover. I've got people in my heart who have inspired me, so...if you don't mind, I'm going to evolve into something a little more comfortable.
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