The Map of My Family

My mother is now in post-op, having undergone surgery this morning, and I'm beginning to breathe, anxious to hear her voice. The family has spent the whole weekend in the hospital, pacing the hallways, going from waiting room to waiting room, basically being where I wish I could be, but I'm really statisfied that they were there for her. I feel like I'm breathing for the first time this weekend.

In the height of this scare, this moment in time when you shove your worst fears to a dark corner and try against the current to stay positive, some things become painfully clear. There is a huge difference between stating good intentions and doing the right thing. All I saw from my family this weekend was the greatest example of selflessness, of dedication and commitment. How other things compare to the example of my sisters and my father is now a huge difference in depth and honesty to me. You only know the value of something to a person by what they do in relation to that thing or person. What a person says, really, is meaningless.

And so things have changed a bit for me, and for my family. My mother, obviously, has to live her life differently, and in the best case scenario, the greatest change she'll have to face is the adjustment to life without as much pain as she's become accustomed to. She may need another surgery, to repair her knee, but this was the major one. As for me, my level of tolerance is going to shrink to accommodate a greater dedication to a few important things. Do repeat offenders get another chance? I suppose they'll find out quickly.

This is where I understand my father a little more. He has lost faith a bit in apologies, and although I argue his paradigm of a complete lack of belief in them, I understand his hurt completely because I also know what it's like to be completely let down. He rants, he fights, he swings his beliefs completely in the opposite direction, but he's also extremely tolerant despite the fact that it gets increasingly difficult with age. I take a long look around him, and I see that my mother, too, has been patient beyond all reason. My sister Monica consistently does what nobody else will do, and she'll also bear the weight of the blame for it. My sister Maria goes directly to the point, also believing that there might be a second chance and possibly even a third, but beyond that it's pretty much a point of no return. Any territory inside of that - for the whole family - is fertile ground for generosity, love, and support. In the gray area just outside of those boundaries is where the family will argue and defend.

And I get it, I totally understand; This is the map of my family. This is the reason why I've been able to feed on the energy and strength of their love, even though sometimes I get lost when it feels like the family scatters a bit. That circular area right in the middle is where we all run to whenever there's a crisis. We do it by instinct. We sometimes forget it's there when we explore the area outside - careers, house issues, negative sources on the fringe - but right now, as they wheel my mother back into her room with my father sleeping in a chair in the corner and my two sisters sending me text messages and pictures, calling me with every update, the center of this universe is a warm place to be.

No, the story of this crisis is not over with - only one chapter has closed today - but we are strong, and we are alive, and everything else that could try to hurt what we have will just eventually fade away. It was this way in the beginning, because they gave me life, and it will never change.