Descending Through the Clouds

I spent yesterday out with a couple of souls who provided illumination on a few of my options, paths I can take as I navigate my own wandering through this unknown emotional territory. The one common theme from both friends was the suggestion of self-realization...though one friend came from the angle of acceptance of myself now, and the other brought more attention to the things I've done wrong in my past.

What does any of it mean?

I don't have any answers from yesterday. I don't necessarily have any right now. Maybe the problem lies in the pursuit of a solution. Maybe it lies in the acknowledgment of a problem. Beyond calling one more friend tonight, I think this little brain cloud should conjure an otherwise silent companion.

C: I think you're complicating things.

S: I think you're right.

C: I mean, what is it that you think you're supposed to be? Who do you feel...what role are you not fulfilling right now?

S: Well, I'm not working on any plays, and that's weird.

C: So for the second time in ten years, you're taking a break. Is that bad?

S: I'm not...really looking forward to anything, though. I'm not excited.

C: Okay - that's the same thing as saying that you're not racing. That's good. I just don't understand what you're using for reference, thoguh. Listen, you can't place yourself - and most importantly, your value - in the Playhouse world. You were never that important to it in the first place.

S: That's a strange thing to hear.

C: It's true. You've done a lot of stuff there, but you're rooted in that place without any real relationship to it. You're definitely not bound by contract or employment....

S: That is kind of how I feel about it now. Isn't that funny? I didn't feel that way before.

C: Because now you have...

S: Distance.

C: Right.

S: Weird.

C: And maybe you have a little perspective, too. What is the worst that would happen if you just didn't direct or write a play for a while?S: Nothing, I guess. Playhouse would keep moving to bigger and better things. In the end, the only two things that will be remembered will be Welcome Home, Soldier and the film festival.

C: That's very detailed, but you didn't answer my question. What would happen to you?S: I don't know. I'd probably...find something else to do.

C: An adventure.

S: Right - A trip down the Amazon looking for anacondas with Ice Cube!

C: No, idiot. Why did you become a writer? How do you choose the things you study?

S: I like asking questions, exploring mysteries.

C: See? There's -

And Alex F. waves me out of the conversation, completely oblivious of the fact that I have headphones on and a notepad in front of me. What was so important that he couldn't leave me alone in my own world? The Lakers are in the playoffs, and they lost game one.

3:35pm

C: So as I was saying....

S: Yeah, sorry about that. I have to give him my full attention because if he has to work hard to keep me in the conversation, he starts to spit.

C: Spit?

S: It's possibly a Pavlovian response. I'm too busy blinking to ask. Anyway....

C: Yes, moving on, sans spit. (pause) Do you remember writing about people in the industry choosing to be good actors, writers, producers - what have you - before they decide to be good people?

S: Yeah - it's part of the Fourth Wall.

C: I think you might be wrestling with that choice. You've been...well, sometimes you feel like you've been that guy.

S: You might be giving me too much credit.

C: No, I am, as I always have tried to do, giving you more credit than you give yourself. (pause) Close your eyes.

S: What?

C: Close your eyes. Remove all associations you have between the things you're wrestling with and the things you think give them value.

S: I kind of need to keep writing this conversation...

C: Stop writing for a second. Close your eyes and breathe.

I close my eyes.

C: Breathe.

S: Okay.

C: Listen to me. (pause) It's okay to let go of a comfortable place so you can dictate what happens in your life. It's okay to acknowledge when something isn't working for you any more.

S: It isn't working for me any more.

C: So do something else. It's simple; It doesn't have to be a substitute. All it needs to do is fulfill a need...and ideally, get you closer to where you want to be.

S: I don't exactly know where I want to go.

C: I didn't say anything about where you want to go. I said that you should be closer to where you want to be.

S: Where do I want to be?

C: Present. Here. Now. Standing with your past behind you and ready for the future. (pause) Build on this, who you are now and what you have to offer. You don't have to be more of anything. (pause) Open your eyes.

S: I'm still not sure....

C: Isn't that funny, how we don't know exactly what to do at every moment of the day? Do you know what you're practicing right now without any knowledge of your doing it?

S: Writing?

C: Trust. You don't know where this conversation is going but you keep writing. That's all I ask of you. Just...trust that the moments will come.

That's all I can do. Am I waiting for inspiration? Am I waiting for an answer? If I wait long enough, I think I'll find out.