Well...I never thought I'd get here. Eager to see yet a new chapter start in my life, it was all suddenly taken away from me in the midst of an early week triumph and some ugly theater politics.

I thought something great was about to happen. I thought she was really interested. And then she took it all away. To drive the point home, she shut down, only to open up to others. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get rid of this hurt. See, I hate the fact that I let myself get here. I hate the fact that I believed in something, a connection, a feeling, something more refined and true than anything I've ever known. But what was I thinking? Was it at all possible that I would find this thing at work?

Was it at all possible that for the first time in over a decade, I would allow myself to not be alone?

I got to a familiar place today, one that had damaged me in the past and made me lose hope. My breath was shallow, that lump in my throat grew, and I had to walk away defeated and alone. Did she give me a single thought after I walked away? My instincts tell me no. Will she give me a single thought come Monday, come December, come 2004? A single thought, yes: "Stay away from him."

So why, especially quite a few beers late into the evening (with Cathy, and then alone), have I not shed a tear, despite how truly sad I am about this? Oh, God, this was important to me. This was really important. I promised myself I wouldn't cry. I promised myself that as soon as I felt I needed to, I'd have to work a little harder. I'd have to pack my time with more stuff. I might call a few extra rehearsals, skip a few meals, hit the gym more, maybe sleep less (once again, to avoid dreaming). So that's what I'm going to do: Indulge myself in sweat and blood.

Because, after all, I was fine before I met her. I was happy and successful, building a busy, creative life. All I gave her, I did so selflessly, but I didn't give her anything I couldn't live without. So how am I worse off now than before? I'm better, as a matter of fact, and although I do have to watch her every day at work mingle with others, making friends who will quickly replace my spot in her life and in her heart, I had her in my life for a short time and was able to tell her that I loved her. I was able to, until she completely lost interest, find inspiration, creativity, such full life, and laughter with her.

Now it's all gone. It's going to suck for a while, and then it won't, but I will miss her just the same. My memories of her, the parts of my world that she filled with color, are mine and mine alone. Yes, dear reader, after 18 years of keeping this journal through all stages of evolution, from the angry written page to this publicly viewed online blog, I am going to be alone for a while longer.

And that might not be a bad thing.