Irrelevant Distances

I weighed myself yesterday, in the middle of the day, and discovered to my surprise that I have lost ten pounds. A little later, I weighed my life and discovered I've lost a lot more. It's both amazing and heartbreaking how life changes sometimes. As you grow, you connect with people, and somewhere in their existence you see another clue to the definition of you. You understand yourself better in the reflection of a friend, a family member, someone you loved but somehow you feel differently about them now.

A friend of over a decade was altogether more recognizable thousands of miles away than she was in the same city. We tried to squint when we looked at each other, tried to see our old selves in context, but after a few years I realized we couldn't. The long goodbye I dreaded never came, and in one misunderstanding I didn't recognize her any more. We let go at the same time. I never saw her again.

I had the opposite problem with another friend (whom I found here on MySpace but haven't contacted). She sees me and immediately defines me with a past she doesn't want to be a part of. Who we were to each other is a huge smear, a blurry drawing of good intentions and love. She's completely different now, and the funny thing is that I never knew how bad she was back then, nor do I know how good she is now. I sort of knew the girl in the middle.
In a breath of unexpected change, another friend recently redefined himself, going from a familiar face to a shattered picture. He left a trail of debris behind him, and that, too, I'm afraid, will become an unbridgeable gap.

These are people in the long parade of souls who I find myself missing, wondering if they were healthy for me in the first place. Does this make my life lighter? Am I stronger with a dark, cloudy belief that everyone I know will soon become a stranger? I don't know. I just keep moving, and sometimes that results in creating space between me and people whose paths aren't quite parallel to mine.

It is pointless to wonder if they remember the reflection of themselves in me, or their affect on me and my life. I think...I've learned how to keep my eyes forward. I did just lose ten pounds, after all. I think it means that I'm carrying less baggage.