Trying to manage a schizophrenic schedule is a manic dance of manipulation, constantly feeding the fire of creativity and somehow powering the passion to get past obstacles of self-doubt and the unexpected. Have I already mentioned why I write? Did I already threaten to quit this blog? Okay, forget it. I quit.
No, no...I write because I have to. I play music because it's another language I'm forced to speak. I work on plays because that's the world I can see clearly in. I write blogs...keep a journal...because it's my only chance to drill a hole and drain the mind. When I'm creative, I'm totally mindless. I guess everything else I do is a waiting game while thoughts and feelings cook and simmer...come out in colors or shapes...and the residue is what happens here. It's obsessive.
This play I'm writing right now is not only intimidating the hell out of me, it's also pulling me into the chaotic center of emotions it's naturally wrestling with. I've tried to explain this to my sister and my niece: I can't write secondary characters, or people with singular intentions and dimensions. Especially with a play like this, where the whole point is the involvement of everyone in the story, I have to map out where everyone stands and trust my emotional attachment to them. I have to embrace the hurt and confusion, and push through for the hope I'm going after. To be completely honest, I know what it can be and I know I'm the person to create it...but the difficulty lies in controlling the palette of feelings that can easily bleed through to real life.
Such is this demented world of imaginary circumstances, where I can't hide, or repress, or deflect. It's all there. If there's one thing I learned from working for the actress (who shall remain nameless for those who don't know), I have to lend myself to it, not give. There needs to be, after all, something to come back to when I'm done.
So I write because I have to. And I'll tell the story because it needs to be heard. I'll keep my commitments, and try to stay sane, and somewhere in the distance I'll have a moment to see what I've done.
(deep breath) Wish me luck. Light a candle. I'll see you on the other side.
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