A friend of mine just told me that the heart and the mind exist independently of each other, and I agree...a little. In my crazy life, my heart and mind are in an eternal mosh pit, elbowing each other in the neck and insulting their mothers. I used to blame my acting training. I think that even the interest to act is a side effect of being me. Maybe my creative life is the only thing that keeps me sane. Maybe.
Right now, I feel crazy. Yes, first entry in a longer time than I care to measure, and I feel like I'm completely out of my element. Why? Is it because I haven't written in a long time and may be rusty? Is it because I'm halfway between being in love and seeing my career really take off? I'm constantly torn and stretched thin between where I need to be engaged and creative. A relationship? Completely foreign to me yet totally and overwhelmingly intriguing. Potential advancement at work? It's right there for me to grab. Creative fulfillment outside of work? It sits in the hands of the fickle creative community, but still I persevere.
The MOST difficult lesson to grasp is the act of being patient for one thing while staying busy with others. Where will my success and heart finally land? There's no definitive answer. I have absolutely NO flipping clue where I will be one year from now. One month ago, I felt unappreciated, determined to spend 90% of my time working and the other 10% sleeping, and hopeful to change my life in small increments. Today, it's as if I put on someone else's life for a trial run and it feels like I'm suddenly wearing big boy pants now. My job right now is to get busy doing and not spend any time wondering. For once in my life - the first time in decades - I know what I want and who I want it with, but am faced with the dilemma of that person not knowing it yet. Maybe this means I'm the only one who sees it. I don't know. I just don't know.
And you would think, at this ripe old age, that I would have some stuff figured out. Okay, yes I do, but there is always a blind spot. There will always be a blind spot, where the questions hang like dim light bulbs, with no switch or string to pull. They're supposed to be unanswered. Yes, they're also supposed to nag at my core for being unanswered. Wait. Be patient. That is the only instruction. Something will surely come.
Except...that's an inevitability, right? If you do nothing, something will come. If you do something, something will come. If you get busy doing something else, something will come while you're distracted.
Clearly I'm overthinking this.
And the answer will be, in hindsight, super simple.
Clearly the heart and mind are separated by language, by music, by logic, and I'm somewhere lost in the woods. I look forward to the moment when I figure it all out.
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