I tend to fall into these patterns, but I spent the summer of 2002 with change thrust upon me. I was laid off by a company I never totally felt at home in, and spent that year finding odd temp jobs, writing plays and spending more time in the theater, and generally doing a lot of spring cleaning on my whole life. I met a girl whom I spent time with, and some of that time was spent talking, some of it riding a wave of emotion, and some of it on a silent cloud of affection. The friendship bloomed in spring and summer and then faded in fall, and in the years since, I never lost hope that I would see her again. I even talked about her this week. It came two years and two months too late.
I have been agonizing over her suicide for days now, not able to function emotionally except for a profound sadness and emptiness. Even the anger over the circumstances that led her there is fleeting. I had hope. Hope was severed and abandoned. The lingering and very raw pain comes directly from the thread of love that still stretches from our last moment together. I sit here, helpless, with nowhere to tie it off to. I will never have the opportunity to feel her arms around me, to play with her hair, or hear her voice. No, it can't be true that she's gone. It just doesn't make sense that she no longer breathes, that her ashes have been scattered...that she simply does not exist any more. It's not possible.
She's gone. She's gone. I even say that in an attempt to imply that she has merely moved on to another place, but while that may be true, there's nothing I can do at this point to tell her how much I love her. There's nothing I can do to save her life. She slipped away the very second we released that last hug and kiss at the airport.
B: You saved moments of my life. You have to know you did that much.
I look around, and she's not in any of the familiar places. Not on my couch, not standing in front of my movie collection for a movie we're going to watch while we eat.
B: And I didn't slip away. I moved on, and moved on again, but I never forgot you.
Crazy as it might seem, I paced my apartment at night when I should have been sleeping and talked out loud to her, as if she could hear me .
B: I did hear you, and I need you to know that I feel your love now as much as I did then.
S: Then why didn't you come to me when you needed someone? Why was the only way out to end it all?
B: It's hard to say. I guess, sometimes as you journey through life, you get into some dense places that are so loud, that's all you can pay attention to. You...lose sight of shore...and the most persistent things become the most consistent, if that makes sense.
S: You knew you could always come back. Did I do anything that pushed you away?
B: No! No, not at all...I felt guilty sometimes because I felt like I always had so much to deal with, and I didn't want to dump it all on you. I know I overwhelmed you the last time we talked.
S: Yeah...sure, a little...but that's not a one-way ticket out of my life. I'm angry with you for not remembering to check in.
B: I'm sorry. I guess I was just more used to rejection and would not be able to take it if I really needed you and you, like so many others, would turn me away. I had great memories of you and didn't want to take anything away from that.
S: Did I ever give you any indication that I -
B: No, you didn't! I kind of expected it from everyone, though. If you only knew what I had to face....
S: I read some of it. The rest, your mother told me.
B: I don't want you to be angry with me. You have every right to be, but I don't want you to hold on to that.
S: It's not. Mostly, it's...I don't know how to describe it. It's a feeling of something that will never heal. The void will never be filled.
B: It'll get easier. This is very new news to you.
S: I can't reconcile it. I don't know what to do with it. I don't know where to put this.
B: Just sort through it and put things away. You'll see that the good things outnumber the bad. Do you remember our Thai food dinner? What movie did we see?
S: The one where you wore the...what was it, a bright yellow dress?
B: Yeah, that one. I think the movie was animated, and that you saw it once before.
S: I can't remember. I was distracted the whole time because you were so...I don't want to say that you were just happy, but you were actually radiating happiness. It might have been how bright your dress was.
B: I was really happy. Do you remember how I held onto your arm when we walked to and from the theater?
S: Yeah. I always thought we'd eventually come back to moments like that.
B: We didn't, and that's okay, you know. The important thing is that we had moments like that. Do you know how many truly relaxed and happy moments I had after that?
S: I'm going to guess there weren't many.
B: No, not like that. I had friends after that and felt love again, but what I did with you was unique to you, and that stayed with me.
S: So that's where it stays? I have to let go and let it be a memory?
B: Listen. This string of love that you talk about, the feelings that you can't put anywhere...you don't connect it to the next time you see me, because that won't happen for years. Hold on to it. And when you get restless or weak, let it go, and you'll see that I'm holding onto that same string from where I am. I may not be able to take my body with me where I am, but what I do take with me is the love. You, my friend, are shining it my way like a lighthouse, so how could I NOT notice and feel it? It's with me, right now.
All we have left are words, and simple gestures inspired by the experience of having known and loved someone. A great poet named David Harkins wrote:
"You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on."
You stand alone at the end of each day, and the life you chose is all around you. You think about your decisions, the lives you touched and whether or not you made the day count. If you allowed yourself to be present and cherished every moment, if you dared to love with all your heart and celebrated being alive, you can remind yourself that this is the way things should be.
I'll see you again someday, my friend.
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