Friday morning...hoping for beginnings, a change in pace, a...well, something new. What? I'm crazy! I've got so much going on, blah, blah, blah, and we've heard all this before. Yesterday I was telling a friend about all my anxieties, and then turned around and took a big Alien-sized bite out of her forehead (via email, of course). What does any of this add up to? It's frustrating...the only things that reward me are family and theater, so I try to concentrate on those things. They're so postiive and my creativity is at an all-time high...but my "skinnyman" tries to bring me down with guilt and rejection, and I, unfortunately, give audience to a lot of the negativity that attracts to me. I try to say "no more", but yes, I am reactive and yes, I do hurt...so....

So what it should mean to me and what it does mean to me are two different things entirely. I wish I could hang out with my beautiful friend at work, but there are some ugly, ugly points of light there that reflect on me. I wish I could see my friend of almost 12 years, but there always seems to be the issue of baggage-handling. I wish I had more of a Zen approach with all this, but I don't, and that is exactly where all my creativity comes from. Not optimism. Struggle. Struggle and defeat. Because victory comes slowly and with a LOT of resistance, and that is exactly how my life is mapped out. This is what I need to do and live with so I can have...what? Where is this all leading?

Friday morning...hoping for beginnings and a change in pace. Hope springs eternal, I guess, and life goes on. When will I be able to recognize the next chapter?