Before I share goals for the year (honestly, I haven't worked on them yet), I wanted to share some of the letter I wrote to all of the performers I worked with at Universal. When I think about my future, I can't help but obsess about everything I was able to build for these musicians and performers. I know that as soon as the pandemic hit, they were all put on pause. Their lives would be tested just like hundreds of actors I saw back in my theater days, and they would be forced to choose between holding on to what they love to do or abandoning it completely for a different kind of survival. Just as I had always watched over their love for what they can do, or even their curiosity in it, during this past year I've felt responsible for them. I gave them a home, brought them opportunity, and watched over them, basically pulling most of them out of whatever state I found them in and redefined as much as I could to make sure they had room to grow.
It reminds me of Marchan, the performer we lost in spring of 2016. My relationship with her is part of that same DNA. She and I had a misunderstanding months before, when she felt I wasn't booking her on purpose. I have always been so ready to lose performers - especially the really humble and hardworking ones - to their own success, and I understood that she wasn't available to perform. She said she never mentioned that, and when we cleared that up, I booked her to open for a favorite band of hers on the big stage. It was her last time we had footage of her performing.
For a long time after her funeral, I felt so guilty for bringing her into this place where she felt safe to be herself, and even though it was a miscommunication between us, for taking her out of it. Were things fixed? I feel like we fully reconciled. I still wasted valuable months (two, I think) where she could have been doing what she loved to do. Sure, she started working on a music video and other projects, so she used the time well. It still tested my connection to the performers. I could either maintain a further distance or make a stronger connection as their champion.
After a year of horrible change and adjustment, I started working on a stronger connection with all of the performers.
Just before the pandemic hit, I started making arrangements to take back the booking and oversight of the performers from my team. I had given them the program to run to justify their hours, but we carved a new role for the team, and it was time for me to take the performers back. First, all entertainment was stopped in April, then after a few attempts to plan, I went on furlough in August. Then the layoffs happened in October. The response on social media to the layoff was incredible from all of the performers, both current and past, and I took some time to let things sink in.
Knowing what my departure meant to the performers, I felt like I wanted to give them some hope and direction for the future with a note during the holidays. Here's part of what I wrote:
Goodbye 2020
It’s been a while. I’ve been meaning to write to you guys, but there have been so many changes, including (as you may have seen) my departure from USH following the huge layoffs of October. I was notified on my birthday, of all days! I had a few weeks to let that sink in, and then I had to clear out my desk, and almost immediately lost access to my email and other things on the network. 12 years came to a full stop, and even when I heard that people are safely predicting a 2022 reopening, I was skeptical. Is opening up in a year and a half realistic? Honestly, I believe we’ll start seeing signs of life in a few months. Yes, our city is being careless, reckless, and dumb when it comes to following guidelines, and those numbers are ridiculous, but once we get to January, there won’t be occasions for people to gather, no reasons to go out in an army to do last minute shopping. Everyone can stay home the way we did back in Spring. I have hope.
I then speculated a little about what my plans were, and what the future held for me. I knew people would ask, so I had to address it. I basically said that Plan A would be to return to Universal, and Plan B would be to land somewhere that would benefit the performers and potentially Universal as well, where I could potentially bring some business back to them. That part of the note was brief. I wanted to put the attention back on them, talking as a fellow creative. I continued:
Obviously I’m still thinking about you guys all the time, and hope that you - just like me - have had to balance physical and mental health while looking for creative outlets. I’ve been obsessed with TikTok (some of you are already having some success on there, but all of you should be on it), YouTube, and Oculus Quest. I’ve cried during the Mandalorian multiple times and caught up on a bunch of the trending documentaries. I bought a great gaming laptop, a MacBook, a really nice 360/180 3D camera, and have guested on a podcast about ghost stories. I’m playing guitar again and studying music theory going back through the basics.
It doesn’t matter how busy I’ve been able to keep myself, I still can’t help thinking about how much I miss seeing you perform in person. I want you to come out of this evolved, stronger, ready to NOT go back to what we used to do, but rather to create something for a new world. That’s what we’re approaching. There’s been so much talk about getting back to normal and I couldn’t less interested in going backwards. I want all of us to mix the joy of getting to do what we love to do again with embracing new ways to do it. We were working on it before this whole thing shut down, and all I want for 2021 is for us to pick that up and go forward, become new again, and do things that have never been done before. I believe you’re still that discovery that people need to find, especially at a time when people are looking for hope. Forget political affiliations or beliefs; there are some common things that all people need and the arts reflect all of them.
Thank you for still inspiring me, for posting about what you do, and growing as artists in your own space. Thank you for making 2020 bearable and important, and for getting through to the end of it so we can all see some light in the new year together. I hope your holidays are wonderful and that you’re able to stay safe and healthy. I will keep you updated on any developments. In the meantime, if there’s anything you need, you know how to reach me (just don’t try to email me at work, because…well, obviously that won’t work).
And goodbye 2020. If Newton’s Third Law of Motion can weigh in here, saying that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, I would love it if the next year and years to follow make up for the years that led us up to here. We can only hope it’s true, but maybe that depends on us to lead the way. Believe, friends. I think we can do it.
Stewart
Maybe 10-15 of the 40 or so people I sent this to responded, but I hope it got to everyone, so they could see that the past year has been useful, that it counts towards the future. For me, writing that note to them was the purging of all of the doubts I had for the year, and remixing it for hope. Even now, in mid-January, things have only gotten worse, but my mom always reminded me how each new day was a chance to be better than the day before.
It's hard to really imagine a happy new year, especially in 2021. Again and for always, it's my least favorite holiday.
I can imagine a happy new day, though. It will always take some practice to get it right.
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