"Here in this city visiting the sick,
And finding him, the searchers of the town,
Suspecting that we both were in a house
Where the infectious pestilence did reign,
Sealed up the doors and would not let us forth."
Friar John to Friar Laurence, explaining why he couldn't relay a message to Romeo Montague, from Romeo & Juliet
We are in hiding, in denial, insulated from the world we used to know.
This city is in the process of locking down tighter and tighter because for whatever reason, be it Thanksgiving, ignorance, or bad fortune, the COVID numbers are spiking at the highest point of this whole pandemic, flooding hospitals and sucking the oxygen out of hope that we're going to see the end of this anytime soon. No, it doesn't magically turn over on January 1st; this tiny, hungry predator doesn't read calendars or clocks. But January is always a recovery month where we don't have to gather in groups, where we have weeks long hangovers from the previous year. The ONLY holiday we have on our calendar is Inauguration Day. That's it.
Here in our bubbles connected by digital lifelines, we just received word that my uncle - my dad's brother, "El Mago" of futbol - died in Argentina the day before yesterday. When my sister told me the news, we juggled a handful of strong emotions. First, we thought about the reunion of my father and his brother, both beyond suffering and at peace with the past. Second, we knew exactly how that family felt, especially if they weren't used to the death and loss of a loved one. Instantly transported back to that day and that feeling. Third, we thought of the stories my dad's brother took with him. We had always thought that someday we'll get back down to Argentina to spend time with family and learn more about our parents, but one major link is now gone. And fourth, we completely resonated with the act of informing others - friends and family - of the major news while you're taking your first steps as a grieving family member. It's something I had to repeat so many times, and it was hard for different reasons each time. All of those thoughts and feelings flooded us at the same time.
At what point does 2020 / this pandemic / this political atmosphere / the lockdown finally kneecap us and we surrender completely to this state we're in? The people I talk to and interact with on a regular basis are doing their best to stay afloat, as if we're all part of the same shipwreck and are pulling our debris together. A lot of my friends are depressed and angry, some are overwhelmed with worry about the future, some are carrying huge burdens of their own that put everything else in perspective. Some new friends are slowly, carefully, trying to change the outcome of this movie and recognize the difference between the days of the week.
What day is it? It's Wednesday again? Let's see, according to the Citizen app, yesterday was man with kitchen knife and pink backpack. The day before was the shooting in Sunland, I think the day before that was the group fight in Hollywood. It's so hard to keep track. Today's the brush fire. And guess what: each day, there's a red alarm on the increase of the virus while our president golfs. It's mid-December, the holiday decor aisles at Hobby Lobby are packed with housewives pushing carts full of what will likely become an overwhelming holiday experience at home that translates to not just merry Christmas to visitors and family, it's closer to MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY, SEASONS GREETINGS, AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS BUT MOSTLY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!.
Work - the search for work - is on pause. So many things are competing for top spot in my mind, and career can definitely wait until January. Know what else can wait? The fact that I'm going to be in town and alone for the holidays. Top of mind is health, the daily phone calls with my sister, taking care of friends, paying bills, and keeping all of those things that are on pause maintained at a certain level until I need to deal with them more urgently. I had a dream last night that I was going to return to my old job, just on a different coast, and lately I dream so infrequently that I have to consider it significant. Stress is not welcome or useful here. Stress and worry are distractions that take away from the important things.
What are the most important things, then? It really comes down to two things. My health, and being available for the people I love. I'm watching out for my physical and mental health, and I'm watching out for my family, my friends, even the random people who reach out in earnest to network. Keeping it simple and true like that gives me room to breathe, to create, to study, play, and keep the edges sharp and ready for anything. What inspires me right now is the ability to look at this carnage in the world, from the size of the pandemic down to personal tragedies that I have knowledge of, and persevere anyway. Weak or strong, the will to live and carry the legacy of those we love is powerful stuff.
I hope the reunion of my uncle and my father helps fix old wounds, and that my family in Argentina finds a lot of comfort in the newspaper articles and beautiful things written about my uncle. The choir of angels we have watching over us completely redefines this holiday season.
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