Forgiveness is impossible to define. It is one of those things that changes weight and purpose depending on your point of view. I bet you I can come up with ten things it is, because as you know, I like lists.
I was actually going to write a story about a murder mystery, like Clue or Knives Out ("nobody can leave this house until we figure this crime out"), featuring people whom are attached to some sort of forgiveness on my part, but not only would I have to include myself in that room, I’d have to revisit a lot of stuff. Still a fun thought. Maybe I can pull these characters into a mansion for Thanksgiving, since I’ll have some time on my hands. For now, let’s take a simpler route.
Here are ten things forgiveness can be:
- Some people think it’s a magic eraser that absolves everything.
- It’s a bridge to just get past the current ugliness.
- A pacifying act to check someone off, withholding the knowledge that they’re still an asshole
- A reprieve from punishment for an error or incompatible state of being
- A recognition of people having different and sometimes offsetting values
- An understanding that we are imperfect creatures not meant to fit together perfectly 100% of the time
- An earnest contract to try to accept human error and misunderstanding
- A relief from the burden of resentment
- A genuine act of getting past anger or hurt
- Accepting a lesson about imperfection
I honestly didn’t think I’d get to ten, especially considering the thought earlier today that the only profound thing I thought I’d be able to write about was the fact that I had pumpkin spice cereal this morning. Also, I think it's fair to also point out that TikTok kept me up late last night, so here we are, somehow. Sometimes I want to write something profound and all that comes out is I love bacon and I love chocolate, but I hate them together. Sometimes I want to comment on the shade of blue in the sky and I end up dissecting a decade of my life through a gut wrenching essay that leaves me in tears.
I think I'm writing about this particular topic because I'm at a place in my life where I think I'm figuring out that if forgiveness hasn't been closed out like a budget, it's just a window to revisiting some terrible moments or feelings. It's literally a time machine, and I remember what it felt like. I hated that shiver, the burn, the welling up of emotion behind the eyes. I'm familiar with the cautious approach, the calculations to avoid any pitfalls. I wished in the moment why I didn't have an off switch, a regulator, some magic pill for not feeling that way in the moment, even being angry with myself for revisiting it, like touching a wound. I wanted forgiveness in my heart, and thought I'd find a way that was obvious to me.
I don't know how I found it or exercised it; It's almost as if I was constantly living with the threat of being hurt, of not having any trust, and then values changed. I know I was tested when, during the Spring and Summer of 2018, a parade of former relationships reappeared and tested my brain and heart, at a time I just wanted to be disconnected, independent and free. I was happy! Why did the first one have to be the most entertaining? Why did I find it entertaining? For a girl whom I loved deeply when I was much younger, we had already resolved issues years ago via social media (and not a conversation in person), so the return was oddly timed because the subject of me was absolutely taboo in her marriage. She was set to be divorced in a month.
Divorced! In a month! A younger version of me would have jumped on that because I remember missing everything about her. Now, I just wanted to catch up and hear her stories, learn about her daughters, find out who she was. She had other plans. Long story short (has that phrase ever been used correctly?), she had a guy in San Diego, a guy in her city, a guy in another city, but nobody in LA. I think I remember that correctly. It was multiple guys, and nope nope nope. I declined and she wasn't happy about it. Conversation was strained, maybe desaturated right after that, then out of nowhere she wanted to meet to catch up. To say that she was guarded to the point of being almost completely unapproachable would only begin to describe the night. Conversations ended after that night, and she ended up marrying the guy in her town.
I got to watch this whole thing unfold, and almost immediately after the angry text conversation, the second girl from my past popped up, which helped put some perspective on the first, which was arguably one of the most important relationships of my life, and the hardest to recover from. The second girl gave me the most loving distraction, a conversation I didn't expect but absolutely needed. I think that one healed me more than anything else, because she put our relationship in context and, though there was no promise of anything for the future, it explained the abrupt escape back home to San Francisco, what followed that, and what happened since. She made me feel amazing in ONE conversation, and resolved everything I thought I did wrong in the relationship. God, the act of sharing that loving moment over the phone was one of the most romantic things that ever happened to me, even though it was fleeting. She cut straight to the middle of it and fixed all of the misconceptions of the time we were together.
The ones that followed each had their effects, but these first two taught me a lot about time, and forgiveness, and self-worth. I learned enough to test and carry some thoughts and feelings through the next few years, and it occurred to me this week because...
Why did I think of this topic today? Was it a song I heard? Was it a memory? Was I thinking about how much I'm sitting in the moment and only thinking about the future? (Maybe it's the daily affirmations I have popping up as tasks on my phone.) Why was forgiveness the thought that was rolling around my head?
At night, when I go to bed, I lay in the darkness and the miscellaneous unresolved feelings and thoughts of the day, month, or year talk to me. They tease my feelings, push my buttons, and if I don't have music on as I sleep, my brain is a mosh pit. For a couple of years now, I've been able to sleep soundly through the night, with a clean slate of colors and textures dancing like a borealis to the music.
For me, forgiveness was an exercise in understanding my own flaws and misunderstandings, of being able to let go and pivot, and find my own way. It helped me let go of old grudges and fears and taught me how to spend patience frugally. It doesn't feel zen-like, because I know I'll make mistakes in the future, and this is something I’ll have to keep practicing. The stories from yesterday have been told as far as I'm concerned, though, the budgets are closed and the books have been put away. Can things be redefined? Of course, but I would need a little help with that.
It’s time to turn out the lights, and dream of things not anchored to the past.
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