I sit on the floor of my living room on this windy night with the lights off, a moment to see the difference between where I've been and where I am. There's a gap in my account of everything, a lapse in words but not action. Here's what has gone unrecorded.
My blind faith in the right job came at absolutely the right time. I refused to give in to the most obvious path into the entertainment industry, the secretarial admin route. I tickled the severance package and unemployment checks, and just as that fuel gauge touched red, I saw the job listing like a beautiful pair of brown eyes framed by dark hair. I submitted for it right away as one of my wishing well attempts and remembered a week later that I knew someone at the company, and two days after making contact, I interviewed for the job. A week after that, I had an offer in my hands. It was less than what I earned before, but my last job was paying rent on my soul. This job is actually the natural habitat for me, albeit with a bit of the new guy awkwardness that was tenfold for about the first year at my old job. I'm impatient. I want to know everything now. I'm human. I'm prone to mistakes when I venture into unknown territory. As far as an entry level door into the entertainment industry, this is the most attractive one. I am a Production Coordinator for Universal Citywalk Entertainment and Special Events.
All cool points about the job aside, I'm still me, you know. I still discover myself being rejected in the strangest of ways, and on the flip side, my connection to other people became stronger. I've been told more than once that because I am hard to respond to when honesty comes into play, responding to me becomes insignificant. That's not the intention, that's the reaction. I've been told more than once that my best reaction should be to run in the opposite direction from those people. I figured out that I don't have to run. I merely need to ignore the option to open that door. I mean, seriously. Seriously! Why would I place value in connections to people who place no value on me? No, no longer. I don't think it's right to point out a virtue as a flaw.
I've also worked on a different approach to this year's film festival, more involvement with the committee so that even if everyone walks away without a very heartfelt "thank you", the experience leading up to the festival is a good one. I must say, this year's committee has worked very hard on the selection and lost the battle a few times in the end, but most of the films that made the final list were really dissected and discussed, and therefore earned their spot. We are turning into this final straightaway as a team, and I'm proud for my part in it. Now...oh crap...I have to work on the presentations. Crap.
I still feel like I'm constantly in a dogfight, seeking targets of opportunity while looking over my shoulder. At what point do people feel like they arrived somewhere, and not just to a point where you see how much higher you might have to climb? When can I exhale?
There is that blind faith, the knowledge that everything you do to this point counts, and that you can change the course of everything should it ever occur to you. I have a good job. I have a regular rotation of friends I hardly get to see because of said job and days off where I just want to rest. I think...and I hope...that merely convincing myself that the next good thing is about to happen will make me more open to see it when it does, if that makes sense. Some might call that my annoying optimism, others might call it "the Secret" and make millions on merchandising the idea.
I call it a much better option than surrender.
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