You Are

This is one of those entries that has begun multiple times as I tried to wrestle with ideas and time. The brick wall I kept running into was actually just a very resiliant mirror, and I realized that I kept turning the self-realization screw tighter, making it harder to get to an answer outside of myself. The truth is, I don't plan the blog entries, even though I sometimes bookend thoughts and use devices that might hint otherwise. I actually start with a fuzzy idea, and try to answer a simple question with either something I haven't thought of yet or something I haven't listened to. I mean, what's the point of common sense if you discount it when it applies to your situation? Such as it is, I was wrong to look in the mirror on this one. It begins, simply, with a question.

Who are you?

No, not your name, and not your favorite color or who you're related to. I'm asking about who you are. Put yourself in the past tense, as if the moment when you stood up for yourself has already gone, and someone is retelling the way they remembered you. Are you, in fact, what you settle for, or are you what you aspire to be? Does any of it matter if you're not doing what you aspire to be? It's hard in this world to not wear a label, especially one that's not immediately read a certain way because of how you look or where you stand in a crowd. Forget for a second what even the closest people to you believe you should be, because they only know what you've told them. In the most private place of your heart, how do you want at least one person in the world to see you?

Let's face this much; There's a lot of competition out there to be whatever it is you're interested in. That applies to just about anything, be it careers or relationships. To choose one thing, or even two, you have to know that this is what makes you unique. The knowledge that you are exactly what follows the question "Who are you?" should at least begin to erase any concept of competition, right?

Or maybe...you don't know yet. It's okay. It's just me asking the question.
Some will say that the answer changes because one has to adjust themselves to different situations. Does that actually redefine who you are, though? Look, I understand the whole thing about different situations. This whole re-evaluation started forming clouds on the horizon when I was laid off. Despite my immediate optimism, I still wrestled with questions about why I was chosen and let go. Yes, they did me a favor, but still I wondered. It wasn't until I got to the outplacement program that I actually heard the question. They asked all of us to come up with a 30 second commercial, an answer to the question "Who are you?" for employers. I answered it a few times at the beginning of each class, and I had to remind myself that I wasn't defining myself completely. I was answering "What can you do for us?" and not the bigger question. Still, the seed was planted.

I've been thinking about it a lot. I've had nothing but time to think about it. The crazy thing is, for once in my life I haven't been too busy to pay attention to the things and people who would normally deflate and defeat me. Know what I found? It doesn't really matter how most people value me. I still try to see the best things in my world, and that, I think, answers the question in my own mind.

For the life that I've led and the things that I've done, the answer is mine to keep and believe in. Despite who I've had to be in different situations, I am still alone with my thoughts at the end of the day when my head rests on the pillow, and there, I know who I am.