Current Mood

I find it really ground-breaking that MySpace has given us the power to choose our mood in the new status section. Whether you choose happy or sad, that must be what you want to feel, isn't it? It's alarmingly convenient and effective.

With a couple of very quiet days at work around me like an ocean around a small island, I started doing some maintenance and found myself missing old friends when I ran across their emails.

C: All of your old friends?

S: No, not really.

C: Not the recent ones you broke off contact with?

S: I didn't ceremoniously break contact, Christy. It's nothing as big as that.

C: Do you talk to them any more?

S: No, not really.

C: Are you making any effort?

S: Friendships shouldn't be a lot of work, should they?

C: What I'm getting at is -

S: I was beginning to wonder.

C: What I'm getting at is this. You were trying to re-establish one friendship, another was a daily thing, another hit one snag and -

S: And what? How long is this list? Should I keep every habit in my life whether it's working or not?

C: Meaning?

S: Do I drink soda any more?

C: No.

S: I stopped drinking it for my health. I also eat a lot better. As I get older, I'm beginning to see the difference between just seeing myself in context with the things that make up my life, and having the option to stop doing things that don't work for me. Other people around me more or less believe the same thing, only they try to change the existing things...and people around them to suit their needs and ideas.

C: Damn.

S: What?

C: For some reason, that got all complicated. I thought it was going to be an easier explanation.

S: Okay, umm...maybe it felt more complicated to you because I'm writing both sides of this conversation. Would it have been easier if I just said, "I've had it and don't want to deal any more?"

C: No, that feels...unsatisfying and out of character.

S: Well, I choose to be happy, and that means making some tough choices.

C: So that's it? The very second someone does something wrong you're going to bail and dump them?

S: No! That's kind of harsh and blunt. Look, I love the imperfect perfection of the whole world around me, and...oh, I feel I need to say this: I'm flawed. I do and say the wrong things sometimes and have been lucky to find a few people who forgive me, and know how to share that blame and forgiveness when it's called for. I just...think that...sometimes things work and sometimes they don't.

C: Kind of like a key, right?

S: Maybe not that exclusive, but yeah, kind of like that.

C: I'm a little worried, though.

S: About what?

C: You could shut yourself off completely and go crazy.

S: Sometimes I need to, though. Sometimes I need to climb a mountain without reaching for a hand up.

C: Or dead weight, or the knowledge that anone got up before you did.

S: (pause) Sort of, yeah. (pause) But there are some people I will never shut out completely.

C: Who?

S: They know.

C: Aren't you overthinking this whole thing?

S: Aren't you the one who brought it up?

C: Yeah. One more question. What if you make a mistake?

S: Mistakes...is there such a thing when one doesn't believe in regret? Little things between friends can be healed and mended, but the bigger decisions...well, they are what they are, aren't they?

We're all imperfect, and everything is so temporary. Sometimes we come across puzzling people we're fascinated with until the mystery (ha - I almost wrote misery) either unravels or enfuriates us. Sometimes we just come across people who keep us company for part of the journey. It's easy to accept things the way they are until years pass by and you're standing in the same spot you were, dreaming of change. What I'm looking at is the bottom line, and how the things in my life add up to that. It means not being afraid to change the pieces out and try new ones. It means letting go of things that have been comfortable and familiar.

Sometimes it means whispering a little goodbye and not trying to take everything with you.

I clicked on happiness.