Reasons Why

The first two months of my year in writing have been spent in wonder at my lack of production or...interest in an absoultely insane schedule like the one I've kept for years. It's a completely different change of pace for me, but I think I've figured out what's been happening with the gray matter.

First of all, I've been telling everyone that I've blown a fuse. During the last quarter of last year, I pushed myself beyond my capacity with two simultaneous productions in two separate theaters, followed immediately by two weeks in Miami. Somewhere in there, I lost my center. I came back tired, a little disillusioned, but unmotivated to pick up a distraction. Since then I've been reading and observing...searching...isolating.

And then my job threw me a surprise. A company-wide management meeting was being planned, and the top officers in the company met to discuss a theme. Two people on the committee volunteered me to create graphics and an opening presentation. Two weeks later, I'm spending the day at the Reagan Library, and my presentation shows twice at the request of the CEO. I had a moment of clarity that lends itself to why I don't usually watch award shows (like the Oscars, which are on right now).

Most of the time I think that the stuff I do is just work. Playhouse West seemingly only celebrates celebrity and its own people in charge. Though I've created more firsts in that theater company than anyone, over the past nine years, I feel like I've invited more criticism and apathy than recognition. Last year, in a season filled with meaning, I found myself walking away from the whole thing alone, reading nothing in the official Playhouse newsletter about my efforts.
The day at the Reagan Library reminded me that I'm not in a competition with anyone else. That's how I was able to keep going in a thankless theater company (aren't they all?); I was able to recognize the fact that it was a resource I had great access to. I have all of these great actors to choose from. I can put up anything I want. I remembered a question an old friend asked me - Lynn Dee Smith - "Why do you really want to do this?"

The answer is simple: I work on things that are meaningful to me. That's the key to my inactivity. The things that haven't made sense, the things that other people don't appreciate...might not be worth my time. I bust ass to produce a one-act festival to create more opportunities for actors at Playhouse. The response to emails I've sent out has been sparse. I don't do it for me; I created it out of loyalty to the actor. Look, the odds are already against me, I think, so why would I put myself out there for a situation where I'm going to work hard for a less-than-satisfying experience? Yes, I know that actors are opportunistic by nature. I don't want to perform a service any more. I've put my own projects on hold for years performing a service that has no value.

So I wait. I watch. I isolate. I'm searching for the things that are meaningful to me, and when I can translate that to a medium that calls to me, I'll devote every breath to it. Will I write about a small band of teenagers in Miami who throw their lives away with drugs and an endless destruction of trust? Will I write about the politics and promises of the small bubbles in the entertainment industry? Will I write about something that's buried in the newspaper right next to me? Could it be something else I've been studying for years?

I'll let you know when I've got something ready.